The B.R.A.K.E. Award Induction!

Welcome! Welcome to my 1st ever BRAKE AWARDS!

You might be asking... what is the BRAKE Award?

And here is the answer you seek:

Belligerent
Road-raging
A$$inine
Khaki
Exhibitionist

I have noticed that there are many of you people out there, and here it is... your time to shine.

My award to you is your license plate, car description, and every stupid thing I think you have done on the road to annoy me, and fellow drivers around you.

I will also try and grab a pic every now and then to prove these are real events.

Let's get started, shall we?

CONGRATULATIONS NEW YORK PLATE EHF-9166 - Here is you:

This morning, on my way in, I was seated nicely in traffic at a slow, yet steady pace. Creeping along past an on-coming merge lane, I see you approaching.

Now, I am near the end of the merge lane - there were no more dotted lines, and pretty much no more room to spare in the on ramp you were in.

But.. did you care? OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why would you? The road is yours and you of course, are a force to be dealt with. You not only felt that getting ahead of ONE extra car to sit in traffic would be worth the aggravation to those around you, but you ALSO insisted on letting your right front tire creep up onto the curb to make sure you do it.

BRAVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hat really comes off to you, pal... but should we stop there?

Naaaaaa - I knew you were gonna do it. Not only did you "conquer" me and my entire lane of traffic, but you blasted your way into the left lane, just seconds after getting in front of me.

This was funny because now, I sat next to you.. I can see you in your car with your slicked back hair and I got to watch you; the "King of the Parkway" puff on his cigarette for a bit. Then I got to watch you tailgate for a bit. Speed up, slam on the brakes. Speed up... you get the point. Disrupting the steady flow behind you, you had no care in the world.

I got to watch you get stuck at a standstill as the right lane started moving... and then I saw you weave in and out in my rear-view mirror trying to make up those few extra seconds lost by poor lane decisioning. You my friend, suck as a driver.

I also cite you for driving one of the worst looking cars EVER in production.

Now dont get me wrong... the NEW (or even older than 2000) Audi A6 is lovely, and I admire Audi's precision and performance, however... let's be honest. Your Audi A6 was the worst year of production for Audi. It has a big bubbly butt looking rear-end, and seems to appear like a 400 pound fat circus chick riding a unicycle.

I will give you a fair deal and assume it was a 2004, since that was the last year of the bubbly butt model. But even then, your car has a measly 220 horses under the hood. It looks like a grandpa car, and you have it in a grandpa color... Silver? You could have gone one step further to embarrass yourself and just be driving the champagne colored bubble butt mobile. But you have no right to try and be fast or aggressive... by no means is that car meant to look cool in. In any way. At all. Not a chance.

But I digress....

You rule brother! And your driving skills... EXCEPTIONAL. Keep up the great work, you're a pleasure to share the road with!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AWARD!!!!

Real Life is Such a Drag

So, I'm in NYC yesterday... spent the day there seeing Batman in IMAX, ate at Ruby Foos, got my wife's boobs measured at a posh bra place (no thats not a randomly weird comment), had dessert at Serendipity... all the good things a true Newyawkuh would do, and not be ashamed to almost seem touristy about doing. Know what I mean?

But here layeth the problem...

It started when I was crossing the 59th street bridge, and I yelled "Liberty City, here I come!"

Now, my wife knows I love Grand Theft Auto IV. I play it like I get paid to play it. Every spare second I get, I'm either cruising the streets just to kill people, or I'm actually playing the game. Either way, the smile I wear is WAAAAAAY to big.

So back to the driving in the city. On numerous occasions throughout the day, I felt my wife's hand on my arm, or I could feel her eyes of fury reign upon me. With each feeling, it was accompanied by the quote "we aren't playing the game, dear."

Sad. True. More sad though.

Is it me, or have you ever... **please, only ponder this thought if you have had the pleasure of driving in Manhattan around 5:30 when 6 million people feel like they should cross the street, and 3 million taxis feel like they have the right of way, no matter what way they are facing** ...wished that you were actually capable of being that character from a video game? Where there are no laws (or if there are, you just hide for 30 seconds, and your wanted level disappears), no rules, and anything goes!!!!

Oh man, yesterday, I would have loved to run over countless people.. hit one of the buttons within my car, so I could get a different angle view of the front of the car to make sure there was blood on the hood. HA!

And then, just to make sure, I could get out of the car, and blow off a head or too... I guess for good measure? Who knows, maybe they'd even have a glowing green stack of cash laying next to them, so I can run over it, and without bending down, have it magically added to my bank account?

Ahhhh video game life... how sweet it is.

But there I sat... in the car. Wife next to me, actually wondering if her already borderline maniacal husband was going to snap and take out a few jaywalkers. I might have. But I'm not meant for prison. I'm too fragile. But if I figure out how to lose my wanted level in real life by driving like a giant lunatic, and hiding for 30 seconds... WATCH OUT... I'M GUNNIN' FOR YA!