Because I'm A Fat Bastard....

OK - Im not morbidly obese... but I'm up there. I really only want to get in shape for one reason... my health. I don't feel like suffering a few heart attacks or yield my food intake due to diabetes somewhere down the road.

I'm a fairly out of shape 32 year old who just gets really bored of running on a treadmill or working out or you know... all that faddy stuff that just never takes.

I could count points on what I eat, or I can cut out carbs, or I can just wish I was dead while sucking down a rice cake and another bottle of water.

But really. REALLY???? I know theres one real formula for EVER losing weight. Calorie intake is less than caloric input. Add in a few extra things like starving yourself WILL NEVER work, and you need proper nutrition to ... well ... LIVE, I devised a simple plan.

I am now a student of the Martial Arts.

Yes people in web-land... I am on my way to registering myself as a lethal weapon. I figured quite a few things...

1 - Its actually a fitness program with real goals (or belts).

2 - Its a lot of fun

3 - Its strict and the instructors like to push you

Put it together with a nice, clean diet, and VIOLA! I should be Brad Pitt in no time flat.

I have to tell you that if you are considering this, there are also other things that make this so much fun...

I convinced my wife to start classes with me. I get that people work out with their significant other, but I never really "got it." It's fun to see her sparring with me or practicing blocks or really working hard next to me trying to bang out 100 jumping jacks. It really makes me see my wife in an entirely new light. I see her out there having fun and really getting into it, and it once again makes me feel how lucky I am. Not only do I get to work out, aim for losing my keg (where my 6-pack abs should be), learn a terrific sport/skill, but I have someone in my life who actually dedicated a lot of her extra time to spend it with me, doing this.

What more could I ask for? Except my black belt, I guess.

Soon enough, I am sure!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes... it's just "good"

Theres a point in life where you can turn around and just be sad. Whether it's family, work, not getting the right trinket give-away at a local Gamestop, or whatever...

We've all been there, I am sure. You have a cloud hanging over you and there's just a feeling of malaise, and no explanation of why. Although maybe you do know why, and you have no control over it.

It happens, and unfortunately, I've felt it. But you know what....

This morning, whilst taking a shower, I got to peek out of my steamy mist-filled glass doors to see my youngest dog hangin' out on the bathroom floor.

Waiting. And then keeping himself busy by... chasing his tail. And while that may seem dumb, and I am almost 100% sure that it's pointless, I got to watch him and enjoy the fact that he... this 4 legged freak of nature is in my life. Which opened a flood of overwhelming joy in the realization that I am ENTITLED to have him. I have a house, a loving wife, a job... she has a job, we have another dog, and we CAN have them. Make sense? All in all, the realization that even whilst life throws curveballs at you - for anything - there needs to be a moment like this in everyones life when you stop and say....

"I have all of this" ... "Do I have the right to be sad?" ... "Is whats bringing me down, validation enough to slow down my smiling and enjoyment of this ride we call life?"

PROBABLY NOT!

As Morgan Freeman said in The Shawshank Redemption... "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'!"

I chose to smile today... because my dog chased his tail. And for that one act of sheer stupidity, I love him more today than I did yesterday.

The B.R.A.K.E. Award Induction!

Welcome! Welcome to my 1st ever BRAKE AWARDS!

You might be asking... what is the BRAKE Award?

And here is the answer you seek:

Belligerent
Road-raging
A$$inine
Khaki
Exhibitionist

I have noticed that there are many of you people out there, and here it is... your time to shine.

My award to you is your license plate, car description, and every stupid thing I think you have done on the road to annoy me, and fellow drivers around you.

I will also try and grab a pic every now and then to prove these are real events.

Let's get started, shall we?

CONGRATULATIONS NEW YORK PLATE EHF-9166 - Here is you:

This morning, on my way in, I was seated nicely in traffic at a slow, yet steady pace. Creeping along past an on-coming merge lane, I see you approaching.

Now, I am near the end of the merge lane - there were no more dotted lines, and pretty much no more room to spare in the on ramp you were in.

But.. did you care? OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why would you? The road is yours and you of course, are a force to be dealt with. You not only felt that getting ahead of ONE extra car to sit in traffic would be worth the aggravation to those around you, but you ALSO insisted on letting your right front tire creep up onto the curb to make sure you do it.

BRAVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hat really comes off to you, pal... but should we stop there?

Naaaaaa - I knew you were gonna do it. Not only did you "conquer" me and my entire lane of traffic, but you blasted your way into the left lane, just seconds after getting in front of me.

This was funny because now, I sat next to you.. I can see you in your car with your slicked back hair and I got to watch you; the "King of the Parkway" puff on his cigarette for a bit. Then I got to watch you tailgate for a bit. Speed up, slam on the brakes. Speed up... you get the point. Disrupting the steady flow behind you, you had no care in the world.

I got to watch you get stuck at a standstill as the right lane started moving... and then I saw you weave in and out in my rear-view mirror trying to make up those few extra seconds lost by poor lane decisioning. You my friend, suck as a driver.

I also cite you for driving one of the worst looking cars EVER in production.

Now dont get me wrong... the NEW (or even older than 2000) Audi A6 is lovely, and I admire Audi's precision and performance, however... let's be honest. Your Audi A6 was the worst year of production for Audi. It has a big bubbly butt looking rear-end, and seems to appear like a 400 pound fat circus chick riding a unicycle.

I will give you a fair deal and assume it was a 2004, since that was the last year of the bubbly butt model. But even then, your car has a measly 220 horses under the hood. It looks like a grandpa car, and you have it in a grandpa color... Silver? You could have gone one step further to embarrass yourself and just be driving the champagne colored bubble butt mobile. But you have no right to try and be fast or aggressive... by no means is that car meant to look cool in. In any way. At all. Not a chance.

But I digress....

You rule brother! And your driving skills... EXCEPTIONAL. Keep up the great work, you're a pleasure to share the road with!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AWARD!!!!

Lucky Dwarf (I think)

This just in...



He Pingping is the world record holder for being the smallest man, finally got to meet Svetlana Pankratova. She, as the story unfolds, is the supposed "Queen of Longest Legs."



Why they met, I have no idea. But suddenly, being the last person to know when it's raining all of a sudden has some well pointed out advantages - SEE PIC:



This poor "little" dude can live fantasies in every mall across America.



What else can he do?



How about hang glide with a Dorito?

Runs from the Border

Taco Bell - you did it. I have tried everything on your menu. At least twice. You taunted me for years with spicy this and spicy that. I drowned items in your "fire" sauce and mocked your menial attempts at making my lips tingle or grasping for a sip of water.

I am unsure who classified your items on a "spiciness" level, but you have never achieved spicy in my book. Ever. Until now.

The other day I tried this 240 calorie monstrosity:

One might know it as the VOLCANO TACO.

I now know it as my arch enemy.

Your seasoned beef, which I am sure contributes to most of the 17 grams of fat is reminiscent of all the other beef within all your other menu items.

Your real cheddar cheese, I am confident, adds the 5 grams of saturated fat to this meal, and coincidentally is used in all other items on the menu as well.

SO...??? What changes this taco and makes it Volcanic?

Perhaps the "Cheesy Lava Sauce?" I have never heard of such a thing. EVER. And a BRIGHT RED crispy taco shell holds it all inside. Weird. Red? Just weird.

I am certain these 2 items combined account for more than 75% of your 490 milligrams of sodium packed into this spicy little concoction which makes my mouth scream for a glass of something... anything to wash it down with.

On the spicy level... job well done. Taste level... eh. But you're on the right track, I must say.

ROCK ON LITTLE MAN!!!!

I have been waiting for months (perhaps over a year now) since I first heard the name "Genesis" to see what Hyundai had in store for us.

Hyundai Motors has never been something I would openly say as "Luxury" or "Wowwing" or "Daring" or "Innovative," etc, etc...

But I do have to say the Tiburon has always intrigued me in an odd sort of way. I would catch myself looking at it or grabbing a second glimpse and thinking "WTF?... Thats a Hyundai, why am I looking?"

But until now, perhaps, can I only bring myself to realize how stuck on NAMES and BRANDS we truly are.

This new Hyundai Genesis is far out-classier than anything associated with Hyundai. I have read 6 or 7 reviews and they all say the same thing:

"Hi, I'm Hyundai... you know BMW? you know Mercedes? you know Lexus? Yeah, we FU%@ED them!!!"

It appears, and I've seen the pics which prove this, that they took every BEAUTIFUL aspect of each of these cars and welded them together to get this beast. Not only that, but they made it perform and act like those cars as well. Apparently, they stole the speed of the BMW, the performance of Mercedes, and the ride of the Lexus. And we arent talking the low end models, we are talking the high end stuff.

I am very proud and thoroughly impressed with Hyundai. I only hope that their glass-ceiling shattering break-through of a car is as reliable as the company has stood for the past few years. Keeping that in mind, I wouldnt understand why this car wouldnt be considered a HUGE plus over the likes of "luxury cars." Lets face it, as luxurious as they are, they just aren't as reliable. OK OK - Take Lexus out of that equation... my bad. But you wanna talk unreliable, I will definitely say BMW, Mercedes, Audi, Jaguar... all of em... unreliable and not worth it.

Tiger Woods Does It Again!

Honestly... is this gonna pay off somehow?

We see that a man worth $1,000,000,000 + is now so bored with golf balls, he decides to take up putting different objects. Hence we have a video of him putting a Rubik's Cube and sinking it.

Now, I putt things every now and then. I even make things a bit wilder and crazier by shooting different objects into basket style containers. Sort of like basketball, but with a "Tiger Woods Twist" on it. I have yet to be contacted by EA Sports or Nike, or Rubik's.

I am deeply worried by this attention one man is getting by doing what hundreds of thousands of people have been doing for centuries. I think it's called improvisation. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, and Tiger is merely showing people and influential generations that there is room for creativity and thinking outside the box... but I really just think he's just cashing in on yet another paycheck.

OK, so I'm just jealous. Hey... I'd like a Ferrari in return for some marketing genius to film me putting something ridiculous and making it. Perhaps I can hover over a skyscraper in a helicopter and see if I can toss a Hula Hoop over a spire (like playing horse-shoes) and that would earn me a couple mill? Thoughts anyone?