Friday, August 22, 2008

Give a nerd a shot....

Amanda Beard was recently quoted by several sites in regards to dating Super Olympian Michael Phelps:

"Eww, that's nasty!"
"Come on, I have really good taste"
"He's not really my type."
"We don't even talk to each other"


Amanda, I'd like to refresh you on something:


Now, you aren't really that great looking BEFORE marketing and magazine geniuses got their hands on you.

You should take a page out of Michael Phelp's etiquette guide and learn that simpler, non-offensive remarks might be a better way to go...

When he was asked about dating you, he replied with:

"I'm not dating Amanda Beard, I think she has a boyfriend."
"Part of my life is kept to myself"

"I'm able to relax and be with my friends. Those pretty much are the only people who really know the answer to that question."

He didn't diss you or intentionally try to hurt anyone's feelings. Granted at moments you can look like this:


It doesnt give you the right. For all you know he could be the world's nicest person who would treat you better than any ADONIS who is your type. Right now, he's out searching for a new Aston Martin to use driving to his 12,000 calorie breakfast. He'll find Ms. Right... and all you proved to all of us, is that it ain't you.

You Go Mike... The world is your oyster my friend.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Chocolate Bars Top Ten

I love chocolate. The world LOVES chocolate. I noticed that we all have different tastes, so I had to just outline the best candy bars and why....

10: Baby Ruth - where to begin? I have to say, I am not a HUGE fan of Baby Ruths... they get special mentioning because of their famed appearance in Caddy Shack - if you find someone who can keep from laughing when Bill Murray takes a bite of this chocolate covered, peanut, caramel, and nougatey bar, they arent a real person... they are a zombie with no sense of humor. Run away. Far away.

9: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - You got your peanut butter on my chocolate! You got your chocolate on my peanut butter! Remember that? A simple delicacy that any of us could have become rich off of, if we just had beaten someone to it. But is it me, or is the peanut butter different than any other peanut butter out there? Otherwise, quite delicious, and for me, its really just a 2 bite candy "bar."

8: Toblerone - Poor, poor Tobler. Not a mainstream candy bar and often passed up for a simple Hershey Bar or a plain Nestle bar. The chocolate is creamy and dreamy. Soft and melt in your mouth exquisite-ness, this candy bar deserves more respect and should never be shunned for other milk chocolate bar wanna-bes. 7: Snickers - so this bar has almost the same ingredients as a Baby Ruth... chocolate, caramel, peanuts and yes... nougat. BUT WAIT.... they "fluff" their nougat which makes this candy bar WAAAAAYYYY more delicious and way more addictive than any other bar with this combination of ingredients. Also, it not being shaped like a chocolaty turd helps it a lot. This bar really does satisfy.

6: 5th Avenue - call it CRUNCH PEANUT BUTTER, or whatever, in the family of these bars, we see Clark, Butterfinger, or even a Chick-O-Stick, but 5th Ave does it right. Not too crunchy, not overly sweet, and their chocolate just seems to be above all the other peanut buttery bars around.
5: Kit Kat - GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! It's like 4 candy bars all in one. Am I the only person who get sad when I realize I'm on the last stick? Probably not. I recently tried a Kit Kat Krunch, which is just one huge stick, and is also AMAZING, but I am sticking with the original here to avoid confusion. This little, almost square shaped, 1.5 oz bundle of joy, practically has me crying over the perfect combination of cookie crunch and chocolate. I almost want to tell Hersheys to stop engraving "KIT KAT" into each stick, just to get an exta .00004 oz of chocolaty goodness.
4: Twix - As I quote George Costanza - "TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX!" I know I would be acquitted of Murder 1 if I killed someone trying to steal one of my Twix cookies... any judge would see the punishment would fit the crime. This delicious duo of bars is the patented cookie crunch. Topped with an ooey-gooey caramel that manages to stay a solid just until you bite into it, displays Twix ability to perform magic on demand. The chocolate used to coat these bars is just as delicious and creamy. One bite, and anyone would understand why George uses this bar as a control in his Seinfeld study!3: Junior Mints - could it be that the creators of Seinfeld also made a list of top candy bars? I know these mints are not a candy "bar" so to say, but they qualify. Their chocolaty, their minty, they are very refreshing.... Kramer was soooo right. These tasty dollops of mint creme are coated in an amazing textured bittersweet chocolate. They burst in your mouth like a minty little bubbled dream and the flavor lingers in your mouth for an amazing amount of time AFTER you swallow the actual mint. The longevity of flavor combined with overall taste is why this minty treat cashes in with the number 3 spot!2: Whatchamacallit - This candy bar is so delicious and was never given any respect. Often passed up for a Snickers or dare I say... Milky Way, this candy bar is unusually hard to find. It lost it's marketing flair and never really made it to the mainstream of candy bars, but I assure you, the caramel, the chocolate, and it's unique peanutty flavored crisp is nothing shy of spectacular! It should never be passed up when perusing for a snack, and in my own opinion, should be near the top of everyones candy aficionado's list!

AND NOW.... THE NUMBER ONE CHOCOLATE BAR.... GET READY.....:



TAKE 5 - It's salty. It's sweet. It's back to salty, and then back to sweet. It's creamy, It's crunchy... Its gooey and then it's solid. It comes in 2 chunks and is AMAZING. This little slab of heaven provides a unique taste experience by combining five favorite ingredients in one candy bar: Pretzels, Caramel, Peanuts, Peanut Butter, and Milk Chocolate... do I need to say more? This candy bar is in a class by itself and truly deserves the number one spot!

Thanks for the extra calories take 5!!!! Thank you SO MUCH!



Wednesday, August 20, 2008

YOU -nion DIRTY RAT

So whats the deal with this thing?

I'm not 100% sure why I gotta see these giant disgusting things on my way to work in the morning when I'm trying to just enjoy a delicious doughnut and coffee.

I thought the union was a buncha tough guys who "handle things"

Can't they just grab the employer of non-union working people and give them a pair of cement shoes like the good ole days?

Ok, maybe you bought the rats already.. and need to place them out - but really... are the effective? Are they meant to scare people? All they really do is make me wanna vomit. They look like gian Amy Whinehouse inflatables or something.

Please keep the rats in the subways and sewers and out of my line of site.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Why Michael Godard ROCKS....

This is for all people who nevber heard of Michael Godard...
I saw his works on a cruise ship once and was fascinated by his work...

He does these amazing paintings that are just so far fetched from what snooty (snobby) people call "art." To me... this is the real deal.

Whilst my wife calls it one step above dogs playing poker, I marvel at the creative genius behind making things like martini olives, or wine grapes come to life and immerse themselves in a surreal world of fantasy and pleasurable sins.

I am unsure why, but these paintings also seem to stir an erotic nerve within... as if to say, Im a naughty olive... drink my poison.

I highly recommend checking him out and possibly picking out a piece for yourself. I just got his 2009 calendar from allposters.com, and I LOVE EVERY MONTH!

Booze, Gambling, Money, erotic olives... weird, but ohhhhhh so much fun.