Thursday, July 17, 2008

Perhaps the smartest company ever?


Calling it the smartest company ever might be a stretch... but I have to give mention to UPS. Granted they are brown this and brown that, and well, that's just a horrific color, but look at their phone number:

1-800-PICK-UPS

DOES IT GET ANY BETTER OR SMARTER THAN THAT?

I mean... its pick UPS... GET IT? OR, its PICK UPS... HILARIOUS.

Honestly, whichever employee RAN to get that number, deserves a huge pay raise and a pat on the back. WELL DONE, GOOD CHAP!

OK - an honorable mention goes out to PETSMART.

Really... Pet's Mart
Pet Smart

Stuff like this kills me. Way to use your heads UPS and PETSMART. YOU ROCK FOR NOT JUST GIVING US GREAT SERVICE, BUT ALSO BEING VERY CREATIVE!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

___ WORST ___ GAMER ___ EVER ___

Congratulate me. Really.
I just received a certificate that says WORST GAMER EVER.
It's a nice certificate, hand made, just for yours truly. Should I be upset? I'm actually a bit proud. You see... I have a PS3. New and shiny. I have Grand Theft Auto 4, and I love it. I play every so often. As much as I can, really. I have a wife, 2 dogs, a house, and well... a life. I can't dedicate 85% or more of my free time to video games with the hopes of getting better or being the best (dare I say). But why can't I be a "casual game," and not get made fun of?

Why can't I just enjoy my 20 minutes every other day or so, blowing peoples heads off in a manner not having any intention at all of completing the game?

Does that really constitute the worst gamer ever? Perhaps.

But just an FYI, I love games... I cant wait for Madden 2009 to come out, and I really can't wait for Gran Turismo 5 to hit the shelves. When that comes out, I'll race you for pinks, Mr. SVP of Pointless Titles Division. Then we can talk about who's the worst gamer ever. Could you imagine losing to me?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Flexicon in XXX

So... I play Flexicon via Microsoft's Live Search club... I get points and earn really neat prizes that NEVER come in the mail...

But oh well, I play anyway.

Does anyone have a 4 letter word for Snatch?

Thanks.

Mr. Bean Strikes Again?





ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


My friend just sent me an email with amazing pics of the chick you see on the right...


She happens to be 100% gorgeous in every pic you find of her on the net. It came in an e-mail CLAIMING she is the birth daughter of guess who...

ROWAN ATKINSON... a.k.a. Mr. Bean.

Simply untrue... there is NO WAY... I had to do some quick research to make sure that THAT MAN could not produce THAT WOMAN...

Sure enough, Mr. Bean does have a daughter (and a son). Her name is Lily, not Gemma. Although I am sure she is beautiful in every way... she is not the woman we see above or pasted in those scandalous e-mails. I'm glad I was able to put that to rest.

BARKING MAD I TELL YA!

Hi.

So... I hate it when my dogs bark. I leave them out to play a lot of the time, and sometimes, they get rowdy, and they bark, or the pure beagle howls (like a lunatic). As soon as I hear them... I call them inside. It's not nice for the neighbors to have to put up with it... so I try and do the right thing. Makes sense right?

But here's my issue...

I got a real moron who lives down the street. He is an inconsiderate fugly punk who I strongly have an urge to run outside and beat into a bloody pulp. He walks his poofy little chow (which I consider one of THE ugliest dogs on the planet, by the way) on the sidewalk next to my house. That's fine.. it's public property. However, he notices (and its OBVIOUS) that when he walks by and my dogs are in the back yard, my dogs start acting up and barking at him and his dog. Now, other people walk their dogs too, and I have seen on more than one occasion, that if my dogs start barking, they move on. They understand that it's probably their presence disturbing the peace and serenity of a beautiful day, and they take their dog for the rest of the walk. Not this stupid, worthless excuse for a human being. He actually stops and stops the dog and stands there. I've watched him from my window as he stops and eggs on the barking. It's only when I come outside to pull in my dogs that he starts to walk away. Like he wasn't loitering to begin with.

Whats the law for picking off people on the street like this with a BB gun? I'd love to really take out a leg or a shoulder from my window where I watch from and teach him to move on. But really, will it do any good? These people are all about themselves. And it just ain't right. Wheres the decency? Wheres the common courtesy?

UGHHHH.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I park far away, please leave me alone.


So, I have a new car. I don't think it's the greatest car in the world, by any means. It's a Honda. Not a Ferrari. Not a Jaguar. Not even a luxury Honda, a.k.a. Acura. It's a plain Honda. Thousands of em on the road. I drive with hundreds of them on the way to work. But its new. It's new to me, and it smells new inside. It has new paint with glossy new tires and a luster off the windows that say "Hi... I'm new."

Now, I need to point that out to you. I'm no idiot. I'm no pretentious snob that thinks my car is the greatest thing on the road, but you know what, I love it, and I want it to stay this way for as long as possible.

So...

I park FAR AWAY. I'm not doing it to show-off, saying, yeah it's new - that's why its in a class by itself. I'm not doing it feeling I am better than you or anyone else. I'm doing it so the moron with the 1980 Pontiac Bonneville with no paint on the hood and a door as long as two football fields doesn't swing that crap open at 600 miles per hour and gouge out a hole in my door and 3 inches of new clear coat from my fender.

I paid a lot of money for this thing, and I just want to avoid the disappointment of seeing a scratch, a ding, a scuff, or a dent. Or whatever some thoughtless dill-weed can think up to do, because in the nutshell... they don't care.

Don't park near me. Please. Look - if the store is BUSY, and the lot is 75% full, I'm not being a jerk and taking up 2 spots. I'm just seeking the furthest spot available. If you see that obviously I picked the last spot for a reason and there's a slew of empty spots between me and the guy who was obviously looking for the closest spot available, don't park near me. Go someplace else. OR don't park RIGHT next to me. Give me a buffer spot. I understand... you don't want your car dinged either... maybe we'll both be fortunate enough to come out of wherever we might be and see that THANKFULLY some dude in a Hummer H1 decided he couldn't fit between us and parked elsewhere. But lets risk it... what do you say?

And for crying out loud - don't be that jealous, insane jerk, crying about owning a used 1990 Kia and feels they have to key the car just because its nice and clean. I mean, come on... what is that about away? What kind of intelligence does this show - "That guy has a new car and parked really far away... I'm gonna key it." I hope if you're that person, your armpits become infested with the fleas from 1,000 camels and someone shoots you dead center in your crotch with a crossbow during a freak hunting mishap.

I just want to add that I work in a place full of selfish, selfish, SELFISH people. They will park anywhere with no consideration at all. They will park so close to you, they hear the mirror squealing as it scratches off your paint when they pull in. They will grab any spot and crawl out of the hatch or trunk if using a can opener to egt out of the door failed.

I used to have a new car, prior to this one. I learned the hard way. Everyday that I parked near the main building (maybe it was raining, or cold, or just sheer laziness), I got a ding. If I was lucky, I got just one ding. No, I'm not exaggerating. AWFUL PEOPLE. Just horrible and rude, and inconsiderate. Don't people understand a rule to respect other people's property anymore? I guess if people did understand, then I wouldn't have to park in Siberia and could trust my car in a random spot close by. No such luck.