Thursday, October 23, 2008

WHAT NOT TO DO IN A POOR ECONOMY



Top Ten Things NOT To Do In A Poor Economy

Times are rough. Let’s face it. Stocks are selling and the market is shakier than a bunch of epileptics in a canoe. With this guide of what NOT to do, you should be alright. Enjoy:

10: Panic. That’s right, don’t panic. Don’t get all superman and jump off a building or out a window in hopes that instant death is the cure. There’s always a way out, there’s always hope, and if you’re like me, you have a family that needs you. Even in rough times, 2 low paying salaries are still better than 1, so stick around and don’t panic.

9: Sell. Yep, you heard it here… keep your money invested. The cycle of the economy is actually built to your advantage. While it’s not fun to watch your resources dwindle down to 30%, then 40%, then 50% of what it once was, it will come back. The one thing I can guarantee you is that if you sell, it won’t come back. Ever. You need to ride it out to rebound.

8: Save. Stop hording your cash. Don’t leave it under a mattress; don’t leave it in a savings account making 19 cents a month. Now is the time to throw it all in a nice mutual fund or some safe stocks that are on the low. Need some tips? Transportation, healthcare, beverage companies, etc… These will all be around for ages. The world needs all of them to survive.

7: Budget Like A Maniac. OK – this is touchy. Budgets are a necessity, in any lifestyle. Good economy or bad economy. But what I mean is, don’t take away every little ounce of happiness you have to try and make it all work. You need a $6.00 latte everyday? Fine. I’m not going to tell you to quit, but maybe get a smaller size everyday. Maybe just get one every other day. But don’t depress yourself by starving your cravings dry.

6: Ignore Coupons. People PLEASE!!!! If there was a dollar bill on the street, would you walk by it? We get coupons every Sunday. Clip them, use them. I average $40-$50 savings per week using coupons and finding where I can maximize their potential (ie- double or triple coupon locations). Clip them don’t be ashamed. If you see someone staring at you as you shuffle through them in the store, give them a look roll your eyes, mumble “I cant believe someone wouldn’t use coupons,” and give a little sarcastic laugh with a head nod.

5: Wait for the holidays. The crunch comes in no time flat. Right now, it’s October. I have my list already, I have some people already shopped for and crossed off. Before you know it, December is here. Get the list done in little increments rather than all at once, and you rack up a $1,000 Best Buy or Target bill!

4: Live in the un-green house. We’ve all heard of going green, right? Well, I don’t really think of the environment too much, but I think of saving the green, as in cash. I shut of all lights when not in use. I power down power strips, I shut registers to vents in rooms not in use, I cut corners everywhere in my house to save a nickel and dime here and there. Do it… IT WORKS!

3: Keep your credit stagnant. If you have credit card bills, seek out an easier way. See if you can move that balance to a new card/bank with 0% interest. Anything you can do to NOT pay interest, or pay lower interest is your best bet right now. Move your credit around. Talk to your banks for lower rates. See if re-financing your mortgage right now for LESS TIME, and LOWER PAYMENTS is possible… YES, it really might be. A 30 year mortgage taken out 3 or 4 years ago at 6.5 % will have MUCH higher payments than a new 15 year mortgage at 5.75% - research it and switch it.

2: Hold off that big purchase. Thinking about a new car or major re-construction on the home? DO IT! Why wait until prices, costs, and interest rates rise back up? Do it now and get the best deal you can. Car dealerships are practically throwing cars at you. Construction costs are at an all time low. Just do it, and pay all you can. Remember this though… construction on a home ADDS equity. Buying a new car lessens it. Nothing depreciates faster than a shiny new car… but if you need or want one badly enough, go for it now, strike while the iron is hot.

1: And I Mean this… it really is the number one thing to NOT DO!!!! Never, under almost 100% circumstances, switch your job. No matter what is thrown your way. If you have company loyalty of more than one year, KEEP IT! Statistics have shown that when a company lays people off, the first considerations go to NEW employees. Loyalty actually does count for something in this day and age. Now, nothing is guaranteed, but why roll the dice? Employment change during poor economic times should only be done under drastic circumstances (including being laid off). If you have less than one year history with a company, change if a good opportunity is thrown your way. But otherwise, stick it out until better times. Your company might reward you for it. The new one, might say “well, we lasted long without this person, they’ve only been here a month, lets get rid of them before we take out any other people with bigger severance packages and unemployment bills.”

Monday, October 6, 2008

Because I'm A Fat Bastard....


OK - Im not morbidly obese... but I'm up there. I really only want to get in shape for one reason... my health. I don't feel like suffering a few heart attacks or yield my food intake due to diabetes somewhere down the road.

I'm a fairly out of shape 32 year old who just gets really bored of running on a treadmill or working out or you know... all that faddy stuff that just never takes.
I could count points on what I eat, or I can cut out carbs, or I can just wish I was dead while sucking down a rice cake and another bottle of water.

But really. REALLY???? I know theres one real formula for EVER losing weight. Calorie intake is less than caloric input. Add in a few extra things like starving yourself WILL NEVER work, and you need proper nutrition to ... well ... LIVE, I devised a simple plan.

I am now a student of the Martial Arts.

Yes people in web-land... I am on my way to registering myself as a lethal weapon. I figured quite a few things...

1 - Its actually a fitness program with real goals (or belts).
2 - Its a lot of fun
3 - Its strict and the instructors like to push you

Put it together with a nice, clean diet, and VIOLA! I should be Brad Pitt in no time flat.

I have to tell you that if you are considering this, there are also other things that make this so much fun...

I convinced my wife to start classes with me. I get that people work out with their significant other, but I never really "got it." It's fun to see her sparring with me or practicing blocks or really working hard next to me trying to bang out 100 jumping jacks. It really makes me see my wife in an entirely new light. I see her out there having fun and really getting into it, and it once again makes me feel how lucky I am. Not only do I get to work out, aim for losing my keg (where my 6-pack abs should be), learn a terrific sport/skill, but I have someone in my life who actually dedicated a lot of her extra time to spend it with me, doing this.


What more could I ask for? Except my black belt, I guess.

Soon enough, I am sure!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Sometimes... it's just "good"

Theres a point in life where you can turn around and just be sad. Whether it's family, work, not getting the right trinket give-away at a local Gamestop, or whatever...

We've all been there, I am sure. You have a cloud hanging over you and there's just a feeling of malaise, and no explanation of why. Although maybe you do know why, and you have no control over it.

It happens, and unfortunately, I've felt it. But you know what....

This morning, whilst taking a shower, I got to peek out of my steamy mist-filled glass doors to see my youngest dog hangin' out on the bathroom floor.

Waiting. And then keeping himself busy by... chasing his tail. And while that may seem dumb, and I am almost 100% sure that it's pointless, I got to watch him and enjoy the fact that he... this 4 legged freak of nature is in my life. Which opened a flood of overwhelming joy in the realization that I am ENTITLED to have him. I have a house, a loving wife, a job... she has a job, we have another dog, and we CAN have them. Make sense? All in all, the realization that even whilst life throws curveballs at you - for anything - there needs to be a moment like this in everyones life when you stop and say....

"I have all of this" ... "Do I have the right to be sad?" ... "Is whats bringing me down, validation enough to slow down my smiling and enjoyment of this ride we call life?"

PROBABLY NOT!

As Morgan Freeman said in The Shawshank Redemption... "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'!"

I chose to smile today... because my dog chased his tail. And for that one act of sheer stupidity, I love him more today than I did yesterday.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The B.R.A.K.E. Award Induction!

Welcome! Welcome to my 1st ever BRAKE AWARDS!

You might be asking... what is the BRAKE Award?

And here is the answer you seek:

Belligerent
Road-raging
A$$inine
Khaki
Exhibitionist


I have noticed that there are many of you people out there, and here it is... your time to shine.

My award to you is your license plate, car description, and every stupid thing I think you have done on the road to annoy me, and fellow drivers around you.

I will also try and grab a pic every now and then to prove these are real events.

Let's get started, shall we?

CONGRATULATIONS NEW YORK PLATE EHF-9166 - Here is you:

This morning, on my way in, I was seated nicely in traffic at a slow, yet steady pace. Creeping along past an on-coming merge lane, I see you approaching.

Now, I am near the end of the merge lane - there were no more dotted lines, and pretty much no more room to spare in the on ramp you were in.

But.. did you care? OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why would you? The road is yours and you of course, are a force to be dealt with. You not only felt that getting ahead of ONE extra car to sit in traffic would be worth the aggravation to those around you, but you ALSO insisted on letting your right front tire creep up onto the curb to make sure you do it.

BRAVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hat really comes off to you, pal... but should we stop there?

Naaaaaa - I knew you were gonna do it. Not only did you "conquer" me and my entire lane of traffic, but you blasted your way into the left lane, just seconds after getting in front of me.

This was funny because now, I sat next to you.. I can see you in your car with your slicked back hair and I got to watch you; the "King of the Parkway" puff on his cigarette for a bit. Then I got to watch you tailgate for a bit. Speed up, slam on the brakes. Speed up... you get the point. Disrupting the steady flow behind you, you had no care in the world.

I got to watch you get stuck at a standstill as the right lane started moving... and then I saw you weave in and out in my rear-view mirror trying to make up those few extra seconds lost by poor lane decisioning. You my friend, suck as a driver.

I also cite you for driving one of the worst looking cars EVER in production.

Now dont get me wrong... the NEW (or even older than 2000) Audi A6 is lovely, and I admire Audi's precision and performance, however... let's be honest. Your Audi A6 was the worst year of production for Audi. It has a big bubbly butt looking rear-end, and seems to appear like a 400 pound fat circus chick riding a unicycle.

I will give you a fair deal and assume it was a 2004, since that was the last year of the bubbly butt model. But even then, your car has a measly 220 horses under the hood. It looks like a grandpa car, and you have it in a grandpa color... Silver? You could have gone one step further to embarrass yourself and just be driving the champagne colored bubble butt mobile. But you have no right to try and be fast or aggressive... by no means is that car meant to look cool in. In any way. At all. Not a chance.

But I digress....

You rule brother! And your driving skills... EXCEPTIONAL. Keep up the great work, you're a pleasure to share the road with!

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR AWARD!!!!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Lucky Dwarf (I think)

This just in...



He Pingping is the world record holder for being the smallest man, finally got to meet Svetlana Pankratova. She, as the story unfolds, is the supposed "Queen of Longest Legs."



Why they met, I have no idea. But suddenly, being the last person to know when it's raining all of a sudden has some well pointed out advantages - SEE PIC:



This poor "little" dude can live fantasies in every mall across America.



What else can he do?



How about hang glide with a Dorito?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Runs from the Border

Taco Bell - you did it. I have tried everything on your menu. At least twice. You taunted me for years with spicy this and spicy that. I drowned items in your "fire" sauce and mocked your menial attempts at making my lips tingle or grasping for a sip of water.
I am unsure who classified your items on a "spiciness" level, but you have never achieved spicy in my book. Ever. Until now.

The other day I tried this 240 calorie monstrosity:
One might know it as the VOLCANO TACO.

I now know it as my arch enemy.

Your seasoned beef, which I am sure contributes to most of the 17 grams of fat is reminiscent of all the other beef within all your other menu items.

Your real cheddar cheese, I am confident, adds the 5 grams of saturated fat to this meal, and coincidentally is used in all other items on the menu as well.

SO...??? What changes this taco and makes it Volcanic?

Perhaps the "Cheesy Lava Sauce?" I have never heard of such a thing. EVER. And a BRIGHT RED crispy taco shell holds it all inside. Weird. Red? Just weird.

I am certain these 2 items combined account for more than 75% of your 490 milligrams of sodium packed into this spicy little concoction which makes my mouth scream for a glass of something... anything to wash it down with.

On the spicy level... job well done. Taste level... eh. But you're on the right track, I must say.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

ROCK ON LITTLE MAN!!!!

I have been waiting for months (perhaps over a year now) since I first heard the name "Genesis" to see what Hyundai had in store for us.

Hyundai Motors has never been something I would openly say as "Luxury" or "Wowwing" or "Daring" or "Innovative," etc, etc...

But I do have to say the Tiburon has always intrigued me in an odd sort of way. I would catch myself looking at it or grabbing a second glimpse and thinking "WTF?... Thats a Hyundai, why am I looking?"

But until now, perhaps, can I only bring myself to realize how stuck on NAMES and BRANDS we truly are.
This new Hyundai Genesis is far out-classier than anything associated with Hyundai. I have read 6 or 7 reviews and they all say the same thing:


"Hi, I'm Hyundai... you know BMW? you know Mercedes? you know Lexus? Yeah, we FU%@ED them!!!"






It appears, and I've seen the pics which prove this, that they took every BEAUTIFUL aspect of each of these cars and welded them together to get this beast. Not only that, but they made it perform and act like those cars as well. Apparently, they stole the speed of the BMW, the performance of Mercedes, and the ride of the Lexus. And we arent talking the low end models, we are talking the high end stuff.

I am very proud and thoroughly impressed with Hyundai. I only hope that their glass-ceiling shattering break-through of a car is as reliable as the company has stood for the past few years. Keeping that in mind, I wouldnt understand why this car wouldnt be considered a HUGE plus over the likes of "luxury cars." Lets face it, as luxurious as they are, they just aren't as reliable. OK OK - Take Lexus out of that equation... my bad. But you wanna talk unreliable, I will definitely say BMW, Mercedes, Audi, Jaguar... all of em... unreliable and not worth it.






Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Tiger Woods Does It Again!

Honestly... is this gonna pay off somehow?

We see that a man worth $1,000,000,000 + is now so bored with golf balls, he decides to take up putting different objects. Hence we have a video of him putting a Rubik's Cube and sinking it.

Now, I putt things every now and then. I even make things a bit wilder and crazier by shooting different objects into basket style containers. Sort of like basketball, but with a "Tiger Woods Twist" on it. I have yet to be contacted by EA Sports or Nike, or Rubik's.

I am deeply worried by this attention one man is getting by doing what hundreds of thousands of people have been doing for centuries. I think it's called improvisation. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, and Tiger is merely showing people and influential generations that there is room for creativity and thinking outside the box... but I really just think he's just cashing in on yet another paycheck.

OK, so I'm just jealous. Hey... I'd like a Ferrari in return for some marketing genius to film me putting something ridiculous and making it. Perhaps I can hover over a skyscraper in a helicopter and see if I can toss a Hula Hoop over a spire (like playing horse-shoes) and that would earn me a couple mill? Thoughts anyone?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Steelers 1 and 0

Sweet, sweet, Pittsburgh. How I love thee....

Just a little shout out to my team!!! - GO BLACK N GOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Oooooh Baby, Lick My...Duck Stamp?


The United States Postal Service has done it again, folks.

By stating they deliver for you, they REALLY delivered this time.

According to news recources, the USPS newly issued Duck stamp contains a phone number for phone sex!

SWEEEEET.

Apparantly the stamp should have printed the following phone number: 1-800-STAMP24 (1-800-782-6724) instead, a silly typo gave us the incorrect number 1-800-872-6724 or 1-800-TRAMP24.

WHOOPSIE!!!

Pick up your stamp today and use the number listed - "talk only to the girls who turn you on" for $1.99 per minute.

This gives a whole new meaning to delivering my package. Thanks Uncle Sam.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Ode to the T-Shirt

Have you ever been to the Cotton Market?

I thought they were all about sheets and towels... you know… linens, etc. But no! They are all about the clothes! AND WONDERFUL CLOTHES AT THAT!

I am all about finding the good deals and the best value for my money. So, when I was there and saw signs that said “T-Shirts, 2 for $20,” I was a bit skeptical. But, I plopped down my greenbacks and off I went.

Being a T-shirt aficionado, and a self-proclaimed T-Shirt Specialist, I examined the tee thoroughly. Beautiful silk-screening on the front. Very close to the actual material… almost as if it were blended within. No puffy spots, runs or faded ink-spots. I verified the inners of the shirt and there was no bleed through. There were no rough spots either, which is most important to avoid chaffing of the highly sensitive nipple area.

The tag reads XL and 100% cotton description which frightens me of foreseen shrinkage in the size of the shirt.

Here goes… I put the new tee on, and VIOLA!!!! My friends of the blogging community, we have a new favorite shirt. It feels unlike all other t-shirts I have ever known. It fits wonderfully. It doesn’t grab me too tight in the armpits, or snug me around my chest and then loosen around my waste. It doesn’t just lie on my shoulders like a pup-tent and pleat like drapes on a bay window either. It hangs as if this shirt were custom fit for my entire body. I wear it with pride, and then… it’s time to take it off.

Reluctantly, I look at the shirt and then look at the clothes hamper. I know the shirt is doomed. I know the fit of the shirt is over as I knew it. It’s off to wife-land, where no cloth comes back un-harmed. But I need it fresh, and I need it clean, so off it goes to the land of abused clothes. A whirlwind of unspecified temperatures my wife likes to call the washer and dryer. Everything is either washed in hot, or super-hot, and we make do from there.

I sit, and I pray as I watch my wife sort the scalding pile of freshly dried items, and then folding each one quickly to avoid burning her fingers. And there it is. Theres my new number one fella! I grab at him and give him a few shakes. And he looks, well… alright. Unharmed. Roughly the same size. Impossible, right? I tear off my shirt that I’m wearing and throw it on and to my amazement, IT’S BRAND NEW-ISH!!! I couldn’t believe it.

I love the Cotton Market, and have been back several times over. Right now, they are doing this thing where if I bring in 1 pound of old clothes for them to donate to Big Brothers/Big Sisters, I get $5.00 in store credit. Do I need to tell you I am bringing in about 100 shrunk or no longer worn T-shirts?

OH YEAH, let me tell you… they have this “PIMA” cotton shirt thing going on, too, and WOW… wanna blow your mind? Try one of those bad boys on. You won’t want to take it off… trust me!

This begs the question of why are people paying $50 or more for such expensive t-shirts? I see these Ed Hardy shirts around and think $80? $100? More? That’s CRAZINESS. Have people gone mad? They can complain about paying for the gas to get to the mall at $4.00 a gallon (I complain too), but fork over $100 for a T-Shirt??? INSANE. I say go to the market. I’d throw my number one in the ring with an EH Shirt any day.

**special thanks to Brian for inspiring me to write this article.

Friday, August 29, 2008

E-Tailer do me no wrong...

This is NOT an advertisement in any way....



I buy a lot of things on-line. I love it. I do my research, I do my price comparisons, and BOOM, I buy it. With a click of the mouse, I am ready to have my goodies delivered, and all I do is wait. I come home, and it's like a wonderful gift on my doorstep. Waiting to be unwrapped and cherished in my place of non-essentials.



I wanted to comment on NEWGG.COM for a little bit. You've seen the logo (I hope):




The past few times I have placed an order... it shows up on my doorstep THE NEXT DAY. Now, I am quite puzzled by this... usually I am placing my orders well after 3:00pm, and they never fail me.



Do they have little newegg elves living in my area, building the items, and then whisking them to my doorstep?



Perhaps the developed a worm-hole?



Maybe a time-machine?



Either way... their delivery system is UNBELIEVABLE. I am usually very cost conscious - if it saves me a dollar, I will order from that site, HOWEVER, with Newegg's new worm-hole developed system, I would totally spend up to $5.00 more to have them handle my every wish.



Thanks NEWEGG!!!!!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Give a nerd a shot....

Amanda Beard was recently quoted by several sites in regards to dating Super Olympian Michael Phelps:

"Eww, that's nasty!"
"Come on, I have really good taste"
"He's not really my type."
"We don't even talk to each other"


Amanda, I'd like to refresh you on something:


Now, you aren't really that great looking BEFORE marketing and magazine geniuses got their hands on you.

You should take a page out of Michael Phelp's etiquette guide and learn that simpler, non-offensive remarks might be a better way to go...

When he was asked about dating you, he replied with:

"I'm not dating Amanda Beard, I think she has a boyfriend."
"Part of my life is kept to myself"

"I'm able to relax and be with my friends. Those pretty much are the only people who really know the answer to that question."

He didn't diss you or intentionally try to hurt anyone's feelings. Granted at moments you can look like this:


It doesnt give you the right. For all you know he could be the world's nicest person who would treat you better than any ADONIS who is your type. Right now, he's out searching for a new Aston Martin to use driving to his 12,000 calorie breakfast. He'll find Ms. Right... and all you proved to all of us, is that it ain't you.

You Go Mike... The world is your oyster my friend.


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Chocolate Bars Top Ten

I love chocolate. The world LOVES chocolate. I noticed that we all have different tastes, so I had to just outline the best candy bars and why....

10: Baby Ruth - where to begin? I have to say, I am not a HUGE fan of Baby Ruths... they get special mentioning because of their famed appearance in Caddy Shack - if you find someone who can keep from laughing when Bill Murray takes a bite of this chocolate covered, peanut, caramel, and nougatey bar, they arent a real person... they are a zombie with no sense of humor. Run away. Far away.

9: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - You got your peanut butter on my chocolate! You got your chocolate on my peanut butter! Remember that? A simple delicacy that any of us could have become rich off of, if we just had beaten someone to it. But is it me, or is the peanut butter different than any other peanut butter out there? Otherwise, quite delicious, and for me, its really just a 2 bite candy "bar."

8: Toblerone - Poor, poor Tobler. Not a mainstream candy bar and often passed up for a simple Hershey Bar or a plain Nestle bar. The chocolate is creamy and dreamy. Soft and melt in your mouth exquisite-ness, this candy bar deserves more respect and should never be shunned for other milk chocolate bar wanna-bes. 7: Snickers - so this bar has almost the same ingredients as a Baby Ruth... chocolate, caramel, peanuts and yes... nougat. BUT WAIT.... they "fluff" their nougat which makes this candy bar WAAAAAYYYY more delicious and way more addictive than any other bar with this combination of ingredients. Also, it not being shaped like a chocolaty turd helps it a lot. This bar really does satisfy.

6: 5th Avenue - call it CRUNCH PEANUT BUTTER, or whatever, in the family of these bars, we see Clark, Butterfinger, or even a Chick-O-Stick, but 5th Ave does it right. Not too crunchy, not overly sweet, and their chocolate just seems to be above all the other peanut buttery bars around.
5: Kit Kat - GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! It's like 4 candy bars all in one. Am I the only person who get sad when I realize I'm on the last stick? Probably not. I recently tried a Kit Kat Krunch, which is just one huge stick, and is also AMAZING, but I am sticking with the original here to avoid confusion. This little, almost square shaped, 1.5 oz bundle of joy, practically has me crying over the perfect combination of cookie crunch and chocolate. I almost want to tell Hersheys to stop engraving "KIT KAT" into each stick, just to get an exta .00004 oz of chocolaty goodness.
4: Twix - As I quote George Costanza - "TWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX!" I know I would be acquitted of Murder 1 if I killed someone trying to steal one of my Twix cookies... any judge would see the punishment would fit the crime. This delicious duo of bars is the patented cookie crunch. Topped with an ooey-gooey caramel that manages to stay a solid just until you bite into it, displays Twix ability to perform magic on demand. The chocolate used to coat these bars is just as delicious and creamy. One bite, and anyone would understand why George uses this bar as a control in his Seinfeld study!3: Junior Mints - could it be that the creators of Seinfeld also made a list of top candy bars? I know these mints are not a candy "bar" so to say, but they qualify. Their chocolaty, their minty, they are very refreshing.... Kramer was soooo right. These tasty dollops of mint creme are coated in an amazing textured bittersweet chocolate. They burst in your mouth like a minty little bubbled dream and the flavor lingers in your mouth for an amazing amount of time AFTER you swallow the actual mint. The longevity of flavor combined with overall taste is why this minty treat cashes in with the number 3 spot!2: Whatchamacallit - This candy bar is so delicious and was never given any respect. Often passed up for a Snickers or dare I say... Milky Way, this candy bar is unusually hard to find. It lost it's marketing flair and never really made it to the mainstream of candy bars, but I assure you, the caramel, the chocolate, and it's unique peanutty flavored crisp is nothing shy of spectacular! It should never be passed up when perusing for a snack, and in my own opinion, should be near the top of everyones candy aficionado's list!

AND NOW.... THE NUMBER ONE CHOCOLATE BAR.... GET READY.....:



TAKE 5 - It's salty. It's sweet. It's back to salty, and then back to sweet. It's creamy, It's crunchy... Its gooey and then it's solid. It comes in 2 chunks and is AMAZING. This little slab of heaven provides a unique taste experience by combining five favorite ingredients in one candy bar: Pretzels, Caramel, Peanuts, Peanut Butter, and Milk Chocolate... do I need to say more? This candy bar is in a class by itself and truly deserves the number one spot!

Thanks for the extra calories take 5!!!! Thank you SO MUCH!



Wednesday, August 20, 2008

YOU -nion DIRTY RAT

So whats the deal with this thing?

I'm not 100% sure why I gotta see these giant disgusting things on my way to work in the morning when I'm trying to just enjoy a delicious doughnut and coffee.

I thought the union was a buncha tough guys who "handle things"

Can't they just grab the employer of non-union working people and give them a pair of cement shoes like the good ole days?

Ok, maybe you bought the rats already.. and need to place them out - but really... are the effective? Are they meant to scare people? All they really do is make me wanna vomit. They look like gian Amy Whinehouse inflatables or something.

Please keep the rats in the subways and sewers and out of my line of site.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Why Michael Godard ROCKS....

This is for all people who nevber heard of Michael Godard...
I saw his works on a cruise ship once and was fascinated by his work...

He does these amazing paintings that are just so far fetched from what snooty (snobby) people call "art." To me... this is the real deal.

Whilst my wife calls it one step above dogs playing poker, I marvel at the creative genius behind making things like martini olives, or wine grapes come to life and immerse themselves in a surreal world of fantasy and pleasurable sins.

I am unsure why, but these paintings also seem to stir an erotic nerve within... as if to say, Im a naughty olive... drink my poison.

I highly recommend checking him out and possibly picking out a piece for yourself. I just got his 2009 calendar from allposters.com, and I LOVE EVERY MONTH!

Booze, Gambling, Money, erotic olives... weird, but ohhhhhh so much fun.




Thursday, August 7, 2008

Karma... ain't it a ....



I haven't blogged in a bit because I have been busy. Doing what? I have no idea. But I had to stop and ponder a thought real quick.

Karma.

as per dictionary.com:

kar·ma
/ˈkɑrmə/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[kahr-muh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation: in Hinduism one of the means of reaching Brahman. Compare bhakti (def. 1), jnana.
2. Theosophy. the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.
3. fate; destiny.
4. the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something.

I see it as someone who really rubs you the wrong way, and it comes back to haunt them. Let's just say that someone I know recently got what was coming to them.

That person treated me badly on more than one occasion. It seriously depressed my life for quite some time. Since I;m using words like Karma, I might as well say that this person was turning my aura black in a way. I was moody, depressed, etc.. just all around a down kind of human being.

I did everything I could to get out of that situation, and succeeded. I no longer had this being around me to bring me so down. But.. it was always in the back of my mind.

Today... something happened. That person received KARMATIC JUSTICE. I'm patenting that phrase by the way. Karma swooped in and ***BOOM*** bit that bastard right on his keister.

Do I feel great about it...? not really.

Proud? well, I had nothing to do with it... so no pride there.

I'm a bit confused because I'm not a revenge-giving type of person... but it was nice to hear that somehow, somewhere... someone is working overtime to give back to people what they actually deserve and a good spoonful of their own medicine.

Way to go Karma! ya done good.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Heatidity...



Is there anything better than waking up in the morning, taking a shower, getting ready for work (in proper dress code attire), and then stepping outside to a temperature of 80 degrees, with a real feel of 140?

I'm not sure of it's the notion that showering was absolutely useless, as my 3 foot walk to the car just caused me to sweat through my polo, or realizing it's only 8:00 am, and the sun isnt even overhead yet.

I made the huge mistake of lowering my window in my car to let the heat out. Why is that a mistake? Well, what comes after that... I lean my elbow out to rest on the door/sill... and SINGE MY FOREARM. Luckily, the heat coming off the metal cauterized the wound as it burned through my flesh, so I didnt get any blood on my leather seats, WHICH BY THE WAY manage to sear my back and legs as if I am sitting on a Teflon skillet over high heat.

Ahhhhh the summer. Gotta love it. I still like it better than a frigid day in the winter... but really... a frickin' breeze would be nice.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

NFL Countdown - way tooo long!!!


Well, training camp is well under way. In case I haven't mentioned before... I am a HUGE Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Opening day (real season game) is SUNDAY, 9/7.
Meaning we have just over 1 month to "get ready."
Something happens when the NFL is in the air.
Something magical for men (mostly), but for all fans alike. We realize the suckiness of waiting MONTHS for the new season to come is almost over.
We drool at whatever articles about our favorite teams, corrupt athletes, coaching changes, or injured players we can dig up.
We start searching for what fan necessities we might need to get through the season. I personally need a new jersey. Every year. EVERY FRICKIN' YEAR!!! I have an amazing collection of these over-priced meshed heavy "t-shirts" with properly printed logos, numbers, names, etc. I love them. But at least I wear them with something underneath, so my pasty white skin doesnt shine through....
We start conjuring up dates we need to segregate ourselves from the public. Future game dates that MIGHT be crucial.
We start thinking about recipes and foods needed in the house to keep for the big game.
We need to watch rosters and trades and contracts to see how our team might stack up against the competition.
If youre a Jets fan, you need to start buying tissues to wipe all the tears.
If youre a Packers fan, you need to throw your Favre jersey out. No wait. Wear it. No wait. Toss it. No wait... UGHHHHH!!
But ESPN starts to become the favorite TV channel.
Reading Peter King articles every Monday Morning becomes the norm.
The office pools frustrate you more and more, and every week, it seems a new one comes out. $5.00 more to lose, I guess. Oh well... IT'S FOOTBALL!
We start seeing better ads on TV. Ones with crazy people drinking Coors Light. We see ads in HD that are crystal clear (even if they are playing on a standard TV). We see cheerleaders, giant horses, 10 million direcTV ads, 6 million Sprint ads, 3 million Master Card ads, AND THEY ALL HAVE PEYTON MANNING IN THEM!!!
and we dont care.
Because it's football.
It's the NFL. We waited this long. We are in the home-stretch. Pads and helmets come out soon for some teams. And we can feel the hits when we see them on TV.
It's amazing... we are almost there NFL fans... HANG IN THERE!!!!!

here we go Steelers, HERE WE GO!!!!
here we go Steelers, HERE WE GO!!!!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Adrianna Costa, Where Are You?











Dear Adrianna,



I saw you on that bombing reality show "On The Lot." I felt horrible for you having to host such a fiasco of a television event.



I look for you everywhere, and I find it impossible to see you. I look on-line for new photos, or recent news about where you might be, or what you might be up to. And nothing. I find and see nothing.



How could you have fallen off the face of the planet?



Please Adrianna... do me and every other man out there a favor. Come back to TV. Come back to something. A spread in Maxim perhaps? Dare I say... Playboy?



Either way, the world was a much better place with your smile in plain sight. A happier place with those eyes of yours gazing into ours when you took center stage. It's where you belong, and it shows.



We miss you. Well, I do, anyway.



I'm putting in my vote now for any movie producer to cast you as the following:



Catwoman, Wonder Woman, Batgirl, Poison Ivy, any leading role in any movie.



Consider me 1st in line to see what's been missing way too long now.



Sincerely,



Me.






Real Life is Such a Drag

So, I'm in NYC yesterday... spent the day there seeing Batman in IMAX, ate at Ruby Foos, got my wife's boobs measured at a posh bra place (no thats not a randomly weird comment), had dessert at Serendipity... all the good things a true Newyawkuh would do, and not be ashamed to almost seem touristy about doing. Know what I mean?

But here layeth the problem...

It started when I was crossing the 59th street bridge, and I yelled "Liberty City, here I come!"

Now, my wife knows I love Grand Theft Auto IV. I play it like I get paid to play it. Every spare second I get, I'm either cruising the streets just to kill people, or I'm actually playing the game. Either way, the smile I wear is WAAAAAAY to big.

So back to the driving in the city. On numerous occasions throughout the day, I felt my wife's hand on my arm, or I could feel her eyes of fury reign upon me. With each feeling, it was accompanied by the quote "we aren't playing the game, dear."

Sad. True. More sad though.

Is it me, or have you ever... **please, only ponder this thought if you have had the pleasure of driving in Manhattan around 5:30 when 6 million people feel like they should cross the street, and 3 million taxis feel like they have the right of way, no matter what way they are facing** ...wished that you were actually capable of being that character from a video game? Where there are no laws (or if there are, you just hide for 30 seconds, and your wanted level disappears), no rules, and anything goes!!!!

Oh man, yesterday, I would have loved to run over countless people.. hit one of the buttons within my car, so I could get a different angle view of the front of the car to make sure there was blood on the hood. HA!

And then, just to make sure, I could get out of the car, and blow off a head or too... I guess for good measure? Who knows, maybe they'd even have a glowing green stack of cash laying next to them, so I can run over it, and without bending down, have it magically added to my bank account?

Ahhhh video game life... how sweet it is.

But there I sat... in the car. Wife next to me, actually wondering if her already borderline maniacal husband was going to snap and take out a few jaywalkers. I might have. But I'm not meant for prison. I'm too fragile. But if I figure out how to lose my wanted level in real life by driving like a giant lunatic, and hiding for 30 seconds... WATCH OUT... I'M GUNNIN' FOR YA!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Middle Urinal

We have 3 urinals at work. Obviously, a left one, a right one, and one in the middle (in between the aforementioned left & right one).

There are then 4 stalls with full toilets and doors next to those urinals. Are you with me?

Here's my issue:

DON'T USE THE MIDDLE URINAL!!!!!!

Scenario 1:
I walk into the bathroom.
No urinals are taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, the urinal on the left or the right.

Why? because I'm not a selfish jerk who wants someone else to feel uncomfortable, should I be using the middle one.

Scenario B:
I walk into the bathroom.
Urinal to the left is taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, the urinal on the far right.
Why? because I'm not gay and I don't feel like sidleing up to the guy on the left and start peeing next to him.

Scenario D:
I walk into the bathroom.
Urinals left and right are taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, none - it's a trick. I mozy on into one of the stalls, and pee in there. WHY? because I'm not selfish, or gay.

Scenario 6:
I'm peeing in the left urinal... there's nobody using the middle or the right urinal.
Guy walks in and starts to pee in the middle urinal.
What do I do?

OBVIOUSLY, turn slowly, and pee on his leg. WHY? Because he's definitely some sort of sick bathroom weirdo who wants to be able to peek over the extremely low divider and stare at my package. He could have avoided this by using the urinal to the right, and let me keep my personal space.

Scenario G:
I walk into the bathroom.
There's a guy peeing in the middle urinal. Both left and right urinals are open.
What do I do?

OBVIOUSLY, find the nearest baseball bat and club him over the head with it. WHY? Because just from this incident we can either determine, he is a selfish jerk who doesn't want anyone else to use the urinals next to him, so he feels he owns the bathroom, OR, he is the bathroom weirdo, lurking once again, hoping someone will pee next to him.

Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being gay... that's fine, I don't care if its your preference. But if that's you, and you want a free peek at someones package... keep it out of the workplace and into the clubs or bars you frequent.

I am saying there is something wrong with being a bathroom weirdo, or being a selfish jerk. Don't do it... and I think I have established your guidelines.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Perhaps the smartest company ever?


Calling it the smartest company ever might be a stretch... but I have to give mention to UPS. Granted they are brown this and brown that, and well, that's just a horrific color, but look at their phone number:

1-800-PICK-UPS

DOES IT GET ANY BETTER OR SMARTER THAN THAT?

I mean... its pick UPS... GET IT? OR, its PICK UPS... HILARIOUS.

Honestly, whichever employee RAN to get that number, deserves a huge pay raise and a pat on the back. WELL DONE, GOOD CHAP!

OK - an honorable mention goes out to PETSMART.

Really... Pet's Mart
Pet Smart

Stuff like this kills me. Way to use your heads UPS and PETSMART. YOU ROCK FOR NOT JUST GIVING US GREAT SERVICE, BUT ALSO BEING VERY CREATIVE!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

___ WORST ___ GAMER ___ EVER ___

Congratulate me. Really.
I just received a certificate that says WORST GAMER EVER.
It's a nice certificate, hand made, just for yours truly. Should I be upset? I'm actually a bit proud. You see... I have a PS3. New and shiny. I have Grand Theft Auto 4, and I love it. I play every so often. As much as I can, really. I have a wife, 2 dogs, a house, and well... a life. I can't dedicate 85% or more of my free time to video games with the hopes of getting better or being the best (dare I say). But why can't I be a "casual game," and not get made fun of?

Why can't I just enjoy my 20 minutes every other day or so, blowing peoples heads off in a manner not having any intention at all of completing the game?

Does that really constitute the worst gamer ever? Perhaps.

But just an FYI, I love games... I cant wait for Madden 2009 to come out, and I really can't wait for Gran Turismo 5 to hit the shelves. When that comes out, I'll race you for pinks, Mr. SVP of Pointless Titles Division. Then we can talk about who's the worst gamer ever. Could you imagine losing to me?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Flexicon in XXX

So... I play Flexicon via Microsoft's Live Search club... I get points and earn really neat prizes that NEVER come in the mail...

But oh well, I play anyway.

Does anyone have a 4 letter word for Snatch?

Thanks.

Mr. Bean Strikes Again?





ARE YOU KIDDING ME?


My friend just sent me an email with amazing pics of the chick you see on the right...


She happens to be 100% gorgeous in every pic you find of her on the net. It came in an e-mail CLAIMING she is the birth daughter of guess who...

ROWAN ATKINSON... a.k.a. Mr. Bean.

Simply untrue... there is NO WAY... I had to do some quick research to make sure that THAT MAN could not produce THAT WOMAN...

Sure enough, Mr. Bean does have a daughter (and a son). Her name is Lily, not Gemma. Although I am sure she is beautiful in every way... she is not the woman we see above or pasted in those scandalous e-mails. I'm glad I was able to put that to rest.

BARKING MAD I TELL YA!

Hi.

So... I hate it when my dogs bark. I leave them out to play a lot of the time, and sometimes, they get rowdy, and they bark, or the pure beagle howls (like a lunatic). As soon as I hear them... I call them inside. It's not nice for the neighbors to have to put up with it... so I try and do the right thing. Makes sense right?

But here's my issue...

I got a real moron who lives down the street. He is an inconsiderate fugly punk who I strongly have an urge to run outside and beat into a bloody pulp. He walks his poofy little chow (which I consider one of THE ugliest dogs on the planet, by the way) on the sidewalk next to my house. That's fine.. it's public property. However, he notices (and its OBVIOUS) that when he walks by and my dogs are in the back yard, my dogs start acting up and barking at him and his dog. Now, other people walk their dogs too, and I have seen on more than one occasion, that if my dogs start barking, they move on. They understand that it's probably their presence disturbing the peace and serenity of a beautiful day, and they take their dog for the rest of the walk. Not this stupid, worthless excuse for a human being. He actually stops and stops the dog and stands there. I've watched him from my window as he stops and eggs on the barking. It's only when I come outside to pull in my dogs that he starts to walk away. Like he wasn't loitering to begin with.

Whats the law for picking off people on the street like this with a BB gun? I'd love to really take out a leg or a shoulder from my window where I watch from and teach him to move on. But really, will it do any good? These people are all about themselves. And it just ain't right. Wheres the decency? Wheres the common courtesy?

UGHHHH.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I park far away, please leave me alone.


So, I have a new car. I don't think it's the greatest car in the world, by any means. It's a Honda. Not a Ferrari. Not a Jaguar. Not even a luxury Honda, a.k.a. Acura. It's a plain Honda. Thousands of em on the road. I drive with hundreds of them on the way to work. But its new. It's new to me, and it smells new inside. It has new paint with glossy new tires and a luster off the windows that say "Hi... I'm new."

Now, I need to point that out to you. I'm no idiot. I'm no pretentious snob that thinks my car is the greatest thing on the road, but you know what, I love it, and I want it to stay this way for as long as possible.

So...

I park FAR AWAY. I'm not doing it to show-off, saying, yeah it's new - that's why its in a class by itself. I'm not doing it feeling I am better than you or anyone else. I'm doing it so the moron with the 1980 Pontiac Bonneville with no paint on the hood and a door as long as two football fields doesn't swing that crap open at 600 miles per hour and gouge out a hole in my door and 3 inches of new clear coat from my fender.

I paid a lot of money for this thing, and I just want to avoid the disappointment of seeing a scratch, a ding, a scuff, or a dent. Or whatever some thoughtless dill-weed can think up to do, because in the nutshell... they don't care.

Don't park near me. Please. Look - if the store is BUSY, and the lot is 75% full, I'm not being a jerk and taking up 2 spots. I'm just seeking the furthest spot available. If you see that obviously I picked the last spot for a reason and there's a slew of empty spots between me and the guy who was obviously looking for the closest spot available, don't park near me. Go someplace else. OR don't park RIGHT next to me. Give me a buffer spot. I understand... you don't want your car dinged either... maybe we'll both be fortunate enough to come out of wherever we might be and see that THANKFULLY some dude in a Hummer H1 decided he couldn't fit between us and parked elsewhere. But lets risk it... what do you say?

And for crying out loud - don't be that jealous, insane jerk, crying about owning a used 1990 Kia and feels they have to key the car just because its nice and clean. I mean, come on... what is that about away? What kind of intelligence does this show - "That guy has a new car and parked really far away... I'm gonna key it." I hope if you're that person, your armpits become infested with the fleas from 1,000 camels and someone shoots you dead center in your crotch with a crossbow during a freak hunting mishap.

I just want to add that I work in a place full of selfish, selfish, SELFISH people. They will park anywhere with no consideration at all. They will park so close to you, they hear the mirror squealing as it scratches off your paint when they pull in. They will grab any spot and crawl out of the hatch or trunk if using a can opener to egt out of the door failed.

I used to have a new car, prior to this one. I learned the hard way. Everyday that I parked near the main building (maybe it was raining, or cold, or just sheer laziness), I got a ding. If I was lucky, I got just one ding. No, I'm not exaggerating. AWFUL PEOPLE. Just horrible and rude, and inconsiderate. Don't people understand a rule to respect other people's property anymore? I guess if people did understand, then I wouldn't have to park in Siberia and could trust my car in a random spot close by. No such luck.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

** Romancing The Throne **

I replaced the toilet... I know a lot of you were worried. So here is what I learned and here are my tips of what to do, and more of what NOT to do...

1) Be prepared for anything. Shop at Home Depot like everything was on clearance, and return anything un-used later on. REMEMBER, this is plumbing stuff, so you can probably return COMPLETELY UN-USED MATERIALS... don't plan on returning something you tried to use and then decided it wasn't necessary. But here's what I recommend having on hand, that you might not think you'll use:

Plaster of Paris
Sand Grout (the color you need to match the bathroom tiles OR the toilet itself)
Filler tubes
Wax seals (Normal sized AND the larger sized) with hardware sets
Johnny Bolt sets
Disposable paint buckets
Wooden Stirrers
Caulk and appropriate caulking gun
Plumbers Putty
Paper towels
Toilet Flange levelers or spacers

*** Now, I bought triple the amount of stuff that I figured I would need, and it was a good thing too... I used a lot if when I encountered my problems... But hopefully, if you ever have to do this, it'll be easier.

2) Pulling out the old toilet... WHERE DID ALL THIS WATER COME FROM, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHY IS IT ALL OVER MY FLOOR????? Obviously, some thing you learn by trial and error. I learned that you really want to try and rid the tank and bowl of as much water as possible BEFORE loosening or un-doing any sort of bolts or nuts connected to the damned thing. Common sense right? Well, be forewarned that a lot of toilet systems these days have water hidden in these fill valves and once you open it up.... WHEW... it just keep on comin'!

Have buckets ready, have towels nearby, but hopefully, if you play with things inside the tank, and try to shop-vac out, or siphon/sponge up as much water out as possible, you wont need to do much clean up. After this is done, and you unscrew the flange nuts, the bowl pretty much just comes up and out.

3) CLEAN UP!!!!!! I learned the hard way that trying to place a new bowl back onto what lay there before it is just a bad idea. Had I taken the time and energy when I first saw what was there to clean, it would have saved me HOURS WASTED AND OODLES OF SUPPLIES & MONEY!!! Get the job site back down to "scratch" as you can. Rid yourself of the previous wax, caulk, misaligned/bent flanges, etc, etc... If I could explain to you what the plumber before me did to get the previous bowl down, I would... all I know is that it's a wonder that bowl stayed where it was. This is where I learned the had way that I needed flange levelers/spacers.

4) OVER-DO EVERY STEP!!!! No joke. You need to use a new flange bolt (Johnny Bolt) - USE THE BIGGEST ONE THEY HAVE... not the longest... the biggest head. It matters so you avoid it popping out later. If you have to use a spacer/leveler, caulk it in place... AND CAULK IT WELL!!! Put nylon washers on the bolt sticking up to try and keep it from spinning.... THINK OF EVERYTHING AHEAD OF TIME - (think - how will this affect me later in, 1, 2, or possibly 7 steps later on). Put your wax ring on, and seat the toilet. Don't rock it, just sit on it and try and settle it in easily.

5) Put everything on those flange bolts that's going to make your life easiest. A little plastic tab thing to cover the entire hole.... then a washer, then the nut. Snug on one side, then the other. Little tighter on the first side, then the other. Keep going back and forth until its tight, but not too tight (DON'T BREAK THE DAMN BOWL!!!). If the bowl isn't rocking when you give it a good shake... it's tight enough.

6) DO NOT OVER TIGHTEN ANYTHING!!!! And I mean it. I over tightened the filler tube.. it leaked. I replaced it, got it finger tight, it leaked. I tightened it up just a tad more... problem solved. SIMPLE.

and that's all I got for ya... Its really simple as long as you over-think the steps... really. Patience is more the key to these steps than anything else. Now, I have one more toilet to replace. That's tomorrow. Now I know what to do, it should really take 1/10th of the time and 1/100th of the effort... I'm actually excited about doing it.

AND YEAH, the new bowls... GREAT THINGS - JUST GREAT!

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

It's Poop To Me!

I got a new house about a year ago... very good feeling. A bit overwhelming at times, especially when you realize the responsibility is all on your shoulders. There's no more telling mom something is broken, or ignoring things getting dated... its all yours, and it;s up to you.

Call it growing up, I guess. Call it whatever, I just liked it better when there was NO responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, I love my house, and I love that it's mine, and I guess it's a fair trade, but here is my latest issue, still with no resolution in sight...

We noticed when we bought the house that both bathrooms were practically brand new. Everything, soup to nuts (whatever that expression means), was new, or very new looking. The center attraction of each bathroom were these beautiful, low-profile, one-piece Kohler designer toilets. Very nice design, and they look quite sharp. HOWEVER, I found the following issues:

They are low... very low. I feel like I am sitting on the floor on one of these things. It;s no good considering I like to spend a lot of time relaxing on the thing... reading a magazine, playing my Nintendo DS, picking my nose (like you don't do it), whatever... I don't need my legs to fall asleep and become so numb, I can't stand up when I am done, so quickly. These bowls really do something to constrict the blood flow to the legs. Odd. Odd indeed.

Nextly...

THEY FLUSH NOTHING!!!!! Be warned... the following may be T.M.I. for some...

I learned, quite the hard way, that these toilet bowls hardly flush a thing. I can't tell you how many times, and how many hours I have spent trying to unclog these friggin' things. They are supposed to be new "water-saving" bowls... which I find impossible, because you need to flush them almost 8 times throughout the course of one good poop. When it first happened, I used drano to the max, cleared the lines, and still, the problem re-occurs. I dread my weekend poops because I know I will be forced to utilize my home bathrooms. How sad is that? Have you ever met someone who looks forward to taking a dump in the restroom at work? I love it. I know that sucker will take everything I have and get rid of it in one single booming WHOOOOOSH of it's massive liter per flush ratio. Not like home. I essentially have learned to monitor my poop output at home. I stop, flush, continue, stop, flush, finish (I hope), flush, wipe, wipe, flush, wipe, wipe, flush, wipe, wipe, wipe, flush.... DONE. Lately that's been working.
CAN YOU BELIEVE ALL THAT WORK FOR ONE POOP????
OK so... here's where I stand now....
I got fed up. I was done after a really bad clog, which by the way here is a tip for you...

Lets say you have a clog. You flushed... waited 20 minutes or so, flushed again, and still nothing happens. You can see waste in the bowl, and really have no desire to go in after it, either with a plunger or dare I say a very heavily gloved hand (which by the way, I have NEVER, nor EVER will do) here is what I have done (more than once).

I flush the bowl to try and rid as much water as I can... then I spray all the waste, and the entire bowl with a good dose of CITRUS CLEANER. Available at your local Home Depot, it's an orange, sort of greasy liquid, that comes in a spray bottle. Spray it on, wait for the tank to re-fill and flush away. If it doesn't work, try again... it will. I've had to do this a couple times now, and never had to repeat the steps more than twice. AWESOME STUFF... AWESOME!

OK - so back to being fed up. I ordered new toilets. I did some research and found that TOTO is the way to go. I ordered the models coming with their "best" flushing system. I ordered the bowls that are super high, insulated, bolt down lid, all the bells and whistles. They came yesterday. I'm ready for the installation and that's where I stand...

I will write more and let you know how it goes. But as of right now, it looks as though my poop saga is coming to an end.

Stay tuned for tomorrows blog... Romancing The Throne.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Tweetle Dee No More...

OK - so, I promised rantings and ravings, but... something happened last night that I just can't complain about, I just have to share the story with you.

Last night, approximately 10pm, I was working in the kitchen. Making some home-made fudge (as if that's not comical in itself), but if you must know, I'm making batches of the stuff to donate for a charity bake sale. Really.

I digress.

So, I'm in between batches and decide to head outside to check on my 2 dogs. I haven't "heard" from them in quite a while so that was rare and weird in itself... I ventured into the back yard and see one of the little imps with something odd dangling from his snout.

NOW... my dogs dig. A lot. They come to the house with whatever they can find. Patches of sod, roots, plants, flowers with the bulb still attached to them (granted the bulb was buried 7-8 inches deep)... whatever. This was nothing new.

I give them my little warning whistle, which usually gets them to scamper on over, when I hear a loud tweeting sound... yeah you guessed it. The friggin' dog had caught a bird. This dog, usually so lazy, he doesn't even jump on the couches, arose from his beaglish stuper and grasped onto an innocent bird.

Right away, my mind started swimming as to what to do next. Do I run inside for sneakers, and leave the dog to start chomping away at the bird? Do I run over to the dog and risk stepping in a pile of dog poop whilst barefoot (I don't think so).

So, I run over to the window and call my wife outside - she runs outside in a panic, realizing something is wrong. I yell "get me my sneakers, some rubber gloves, plastic bags, and a hammer, or shovel or something!!!"

Without questioning it, she actually ran inside and retrieved every item on my little shopping list.

I popped on my sneakers, and walked over to the dog. Needless to say, he didn't want to drop his newly acquired friend. I pried his jaw open with my hand, all while this bird was flapping violently against his snout and my wrist, and I managed to free the bird which now dropped to the ground with a horrific thud sound.

I brought the dogs, both the innocent witness and the guilty bird murderer, back into the house. My wife looked at me in awe and exclaimed those dreaded words... "Now what?"

I went back outside to examine the bird. A beautiful bird (really), just stood there. One wing was at least 75% gone. The other was a bit bloody, but looked alright. The bird would try and hop away from me and then fall over, quite sadly. It would work to stand back up, and appeared to breathing slowly and like it was a chore for it.

I'm an animal lover, so honestly, it broke my heart. I went back inside, and said I needed to euthanize it. It wasnt in good shape. My wife agreed and said she'd stay inside. I walked back outside in a fog of uneasiness...

There I stood, above the bird. Hammer in hand, along with two plastic bags. I watched him breathing slowly, and started to cry. Well, started sobbing actually. Call me a whimp, a loser, whatever you want... I dropped the hammer and just couldnt do it. I was so dazed about what to do... I had no ideas, or knew no other options. My wife came outside to see me crying and she started crying as well. She told me not to kill it, and that maybe it would heal. Trying to put feelings aside and use some sort of common sense, I could see the bird wouldnt heal, but I couldnt bring myself to kill it.

I got some heavy duty gloves and picked up the bird. I brought him to the outskirts of my back yard, fenced off where the dogs couldnt get to, and placed him behind the shed. I closed the lights and went back inside.

Problem solved? Nooooo... ignoring it doesnt make it go away, right?

I started explaining to my wife that it just wasnt right. Even if the bird didnt die from bleeding to death, it certainly wasnt capable of finding food or water. It might get eaten by a hungry animal, but either way, it was sure to die, and right now, it must be in pain.

SO... HERE IS THE EDUCATION PART....

I learned by callinbg the local 24 hr animal hospital, that if you bring in such an animal, they put it to sleep for you free of charge.

So thats what I did. I went back outside and there lay the bird... breathing and alert, but refusing to move. I scooped it up and placed him in a box. I drove him to the animal hospital, let them take care of it, and drove home in a silent fog. It was such a sad night for some wild bird that mean absolutely nothing to me.

Weird.

Anyway... that was my night.

Whether I did good or not, I don't know... but I feel a little calmer knowing that the bird probably wen down much easier than alone in the backyard.

Sorry if I depressed anyone... the dog is alright though. It was his first time bringing me something alive... and I have a feeling this wont be the last time he brings me a treat like this, either.