The Middle Urinal

We have 3 urinals at work. Obviously, a left one, a right one, and one in the middle (in between the aforementioned left & right one).

There are then 4 stalls with full toilets and doors next to those urinals. Are you with me?

Here's my issue:

DON'T USE THE MIDDLE URINAL!!!!!!

Scenario 1:
I walk into the bathroom.
No urinals are taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, the urinal on the left or the right.

Why? because I'm not a selfish jerk who wants someone else to feel uncomfortable, should I be using the middle one.

Scenario B:
I walk into the bathroom.
Urinal to the left is taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, the urinal on the far right.
Why? because I'm not gay and I don't feel like sidleing up to the guy on the left and start peeing next to him.

Scenario D:
I walk into the bathroom.
Urinals left and right are taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, none - it's a trick. I mozy on into one of the stalls, and pee in there. WHY? because I'm not selfish, or gay.

Scenario 6:
I'm peeing in the left urinal... there's nobody using the middle or the right urinal.
Guy walks in and starts to pee in the middle urinal.
What do I do?

OBVIOUSLY, turn slowly, and pee on his leg. WHY? Because he's definitely some sort of sick bathroom weirdo who wants to be able to peek over the extremely low divider and stare at my package. He could have avoided this by using the urinal to the right, and let me keep my personal space.

Scenario G:
I walk into the bathroom.
There's a guy peeing in the middle urinal. Both left and right urinals are open.
What do I do?

OBVIOUSLY, find the nearest baseball bat and club him over the head with it. WHY? Because just from this incident we can either determine, he is a selfish jerk who doesn't want anyone else to use the urinals next to him, so he feels he owns the bathroom, OR, he is the bathroom weirdo, lurking once again, hoping someone will pee next to him.

Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being gay... that's fine, I don't care if its your preference. But if that's you, and you want a free peek at someones package... keep it out of the workplace and into the clubs or bars you frequent.

I am saying there is something wrong with being a bathroom weirdo, or being a selfish jerk. Don't do it... and I think I have established your guidelines.

** Romancing The Throne **

I replaced the toilet... I know a lot of you were worried. So here is what I learned and here are my tips of what to do, and more of what NOT to do...

1) Be prepared for anything. Shop at Home Depot like everything was on clearance, and return anything un-used later on. REMEMBER, this is plumbing stuff, so you can probably return COMPLETELY UN-USED MATERIALS... don't plan on returning something you tried to use and then decided it wasn't necessary. But here's what I recommend having on hand, that you might not think you'll use:

Plaster of Paris
Sand Grout (the color you need to match the bathroom tiles OR the toilet itself)
Filler tubes
Wax seals (Normal sized AND the larger sized) with hardware sets
Johnny Bolt sets
Disposable paint buckets
Wooden Stirrers
Caulk and appropriate caulking gun
Plumbers Putty
Paper towels
Toilet Flange levelers or spacers

*** Now, I bought triple the amount of stuff that I figured I would need, and it was a good thing too... I used a lot if when I encountered my problems... But hopefully, if you ever have to do this, it'll be easier.

2) Pulling out the old toilet... WHERE DID ALL THIS WATER COME FROM, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY... WHY IS IT ALL OVER MY FLOOR????? Obviously, some thing you learn by trial and error. I learned that you really want to try and rid the tank and bowl of as much water as possible BEFORE loosening or un-doing any sort of bolts or nuts connected to the damned thing. Common sense right? Well, be forewarned that a lot of toilet systems these days have water hidden in these fill valves and once you open it up.... WHEW... it just keep on comin'!

Have buckets ready, have towels nearby, but hopefully, if you play with things inside the tank, and try to shop-vac out, or siphon/sponge up as much water out as possible, you wont need to do much clean up. After this is done, and you unscrew the flange nuts, the bowl pretty much just comes up and out.

3) CLEAN UP!!!!!! I learned the hard way that trying to place a new bowl back onto what lay there before it is just a bad idea. Had I taken the time and energy when I first saw what was there to clean, it would have saved me HOURS WASTED AND OODLES OF SUPPLIES & MONEY!!! Get the job site back down to "scratch" as you can. Rid yourself of the previous wax, caulk, misaligned/bent flanges, etc, etc... If I could explain to you what the plumber before me did to get the previous bowl down, I would... all I know is that it's a wonder that bowl stayed where it was. This is where I learned the had way that I needed flange levelers/spacers.

4) OVER-DO EVERY STEP!!!! No joke. You need to use a new flange bolt (Johnny Bolt) - USE THE BIGGEST ONE THEY HAVE... not the longest... the biggest head. It matters so you avoid it popping out later. If you have to use a spacer/leveler, caulk it in place... AND CAULK IT WELL!!! Put nylon washers on the bolt sticking up to try and keep it from spinning.... THINK OF EVERYTHING AHEAD OF TIME - (think - how will this affect me later in, 1, 2, or possibly 7 steps later on). Put your wax ring on, and seat the toilet. Don't rock it, just sit on it and try and settle it in easily.

5) Put everything on those flange bolts that's going to make your life easiest. A little plastic tab thing to cover the entire hole.... then a washer, then the nut. Snug on one side, then the other. Little tighter on the first side, then the other. Keep going back and forth until its tight, but not too tight (DON'T BREAK THE DAMN BOWL!!!). If the bowl isn't rocking when you give it a good shake... it's tight enough.

6) DO NOT OVER TIGHTEN ANYTHING!!!! And I mean it. I over tightened the filler tube.. it leaked. I replaced it, got it finger tight, it leaked. I tightened it up just a tad more... problem solved. SIMPLE.

and that's all I got for ya... Its really simple as long as you over-think the steps... really. Patience is more the key to these steps than anything else. Now, I have one more toilet to replace. That's tomorrow. Now I know what to do, it should really take 1/10th of the time and 1/100th of the effort... I'm actually excited about doing it.

AND YEAH, the new bowls... GREAT THINGS - JUST GREAT!

It's Poop To Me!

I got a new house about a year ago... very good feeling. A bit overwhelming at times, especially when you realize the responsibility is all on your shoulders. There's no more telling mom something is broken, or ignoring things getting dated... its all yours, and it;s up to you.

Call it growing up, I guess. Call it whatever, I just liked it better when there was NO responsibility.

Don't get me wrong, I love my house, and I love that it's mine, and I guess it's a fair trade, but here is my latest issue, still with no resolution in sight...

We noticed when we bought the house that both bathrooms were practically brand new. Everything, soup to nuts (whatever that expression means), was new, or very new looking. The center attraction of each bathroom were these beautiful, low-profile, one-piece Kohler designer toilets. Very nice design, and they look quite sharp. HOWEVER, I found the following issues:

They are low... very low. I feel like I am sitting on the floor on one of these things. It;s no good considering I like to spend a lot of time relaxing on the thing... reading a magazine, playing my Nintendo DS, picking my nose (like you don't do it), whatever... I don't need my legs to fall asleep and become so numb, I can't stand up when I am done, so quickly. These bowls really do something to constrict the blood flow to the legs. Odd. Odd indeed.

Nextly...

THEY FLUSH NOTHING!!!!! Be warned... the following may be T.M.I. for some...

I learned, quite the hard way, that these toilet bowls hardly flush a thing. I can't tell you how many times, and how many hours I have spent trying to unclog these friggin' things. They are supposed to be new "water-saving" bowls... which I find impossible, because you need to flush them almost 8 times throughout the course of one good poop. When it first happened, I used drano to the max, cleared the lines, and still, the problem re-occurs. I dread my weekend poops because I know I will be forced to utilize my home bathrooms. How sad is that? Have you ever met someone who looks forward to taking a dump in the restroom at work? I love it. I know that sucker will take everything I have and get rid of it in one single booming WHOOOOOSH of it's massive liter per flush ratio. Not like home. I essentially have learned to monitor my poop output at home. I stop, flush, continue, stop, flush, finish (I hope), flush, wipe, wipe, flush, wipe, wipe, flush, wipe, wipe, wipe, flush.... DONE. Lately that's been working.
CAN YOU BELIEVE ALL THAT WORK FOR ONE POOP????
OK so... here's where I stand now....
I got fed up. I was done after a really bad clog, which by the way here is a tip for you...

Lets say you have a clog. You flushed... waited 20 minutes or so, flushed again, and still nothing happens. You can see waste in the bowl, and really have no desire to go in after it, either with a plunger or dare I say a very heavily gloved hand (which by the way, I have NEVER, nor EVER will do) here is what I have done (more than once).

I flush the bowl to try and rid as much water as I can... then I spray all the waste, and the entire bowl with a good dose of CITRUS CLEANER. Available at your local Home Depot, it's an orange, sort of greasy liquid, that comes in a spray bottle. Spray it on, wait for the tank to re-fill and flush away. If it doesn't work, try again... it will. I've had to do this a couple times now, and never had to repeat the steps more than twice. AWESOME STUFF... AWESOME!

OK - so back to being fed up. I ordered new toilets. I did some research and found that TOTO is the way to go. I ordered the models coming with their "best" flushing system. I ordered the bowls that are super high, insulated, bolt down lid, all the bells and whistles. They came yesterday. I'm ready for the installation and that's where I stand...

I will write more and let you know how it goes. But as of right now, it looks as though my poop saga is coming to an end.

Stay tuned for tomorrows blog... Romancing The Throne.