Thursday, July 24, 2008

Adrianna Costa, Where Are You?











Dear Adrianna,



I saw you on that bombing reality show "On The Lot." I felt horrible for you having to host such a fiasco of a television event.



I look for you everywhere, and I find it impossible to see you. I look on-line for new photos, or recent news about where you might be, or what you might be up to. And nothing. I find and see nothing.



How could you have fallen off the face of the planet?



Please Adrianna... do me and every other man out there a favor. Come back to TV. Come back to something. A spread in Maxim perhaps? Dare I say... Playboy?



Either way, the world was a much better place with your smile in plain sight. A happier place with those eyes of yours gazing into ours when you took center stage. It's where you belong, and it shows.



We miss you. Well, I do, anyway.



I'm putting in my vote now for any movie producer to cast you as the following:



Catwoman, Wonder Woman, Batgirl, Poison Ivy, any leading role in any movie.



Consider me 1st in line to see what's been missing way too long now.



Sincerely,



Me.






Real Life is Such a Drag

So, I'm in NYC yesterday... spent the day there seeing Batman in IMAX, ate at Ruby Foos, got my wife's boobs measured at a posh bra place (no thats not a randomly weird comment), had dessert at Serendipity... all the good things a true Newyawkuh would do, and not be ashamed to almost seem touristy about doing. Know what I mean?

But here layeth the problem...

It started when I was crossing the 59th street bridge, and I yelled "Liberty City, here I come!"

Now, my wife knows I love Grand Theft Auto IV. I play it like I get paid to play it. Every spare second I get, I'm either cruising the streets just to kill people, or I'm actually playing the game. Either way, the smile I wear is WAAAAAAY to big.

So back to the driving in the city. On numerous occasions throughout the day, I felt my wife's hand on my arm, or I could feel her eyes of fury reign upon me. With each feeling, it was accompanied by the quote "we aren't playing the game, dear."

Sad. True. More sad though.

Is it me, or have you ever... **please, only ponder this thought if you have had the pleasure of driving in Manhattan around 5:30 when 6 million people feel like they should cross the street, and 3 million taxis feel like they have the right of way, no matter what way they are facing** ...wished that you were actually capable of being that character from a video game? Where there are no laws (or if there are, you just hide for 30 seconds, and your wanted level disappears), no rules, and anything goes!!!!

Oh man, yesterday, I would have loved to run over countless people.. hit one of the buttons within my car, so I could get a different angle view of the front of the car to make sure there was blood on the hood. HA!

And then, just to make sure, I could get out of the car, and blow off a head or too... I guess for good measure? Who knows, maybe they'd even have a glowing green stack of cash laying next to them, so I can run over it, and without bending down, have it magically added to my bank account?

Ahhhh video game life... how sweet it is.

But there I sat... in the car. Wife next to me, actually wondering if her already borderline maniacal husband was going to snap and take out a few jaywalkers. I might have. But I'm not meant for prison. I'm too fragile. But if I figure out how to lose my wanted level in real life by driving like a giant lunatic, and hiding for 30 seconds... WATCH OUT... I'M GUNNIN' FOR YA!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Middle Urinal

We have 3 urinals at work. Obviously, a left one, a right one, and one in the middle (in between the aforementioned left & right one).

There are then 4 stalls with full toilets and doors next to those urinals. Are you with me?

Here's my issue:

DON'T USE THE MIDDLE URINAL!!!!!!

Scenario 1:
I walk into the bathroom.
No urinals are taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, the urinal on the left or the right.

Why? because I'm not a selfish jerk who wants someone else to feel uncomfortable, should I be using the middle one.

Scenario B:
I walk into the bathroom.
Urinal to the left is taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, the urinal on the far right.
Why? because I'm not gay and I don't feel like sidleing up to the guy on the left and start peeing next to him.

Scenario D:
I walk into the bathroom.
Urinals left and right are taken.
Which one do I use?

OBVIOUSLY, none - it's a trick. I mozy on into one of the stalls, and pee in there. WHY? because I'm not selfish, or gay.

Scenario 6:
I'm peeing in the left urinal... there's nobody using the middle or the right urinal.
Guy walks in and starts to pee in the middle urinal.
What do I do?

OBVIOUSLY, turn slowly, and pee on his leg. WHY? Because he's definitely some sort of sick bathroom weirdo who wants to be able to peek over the extremely low divider and stare at my package. He could have avoided this by using the urinal to the right, and let me keep my personal space.

Scenario G:
I walk into the bathroom.
There's a guy peeing in the middle urinal. Both left and right urinals are open.
What do I do?

OBVIOUSLY, find the nearest baseball bat and club him over the head with it. WHY? Because just from this incident we can either determine, he is a selfish jerk who doesn't want anyone else to use the urinals next to him, so he feels he owns the bathroom, OR, he is the bathroom weirdo, lurking once again, hoping someone will pee next to him.

Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being gay... that's fine, I don't care if its your preference. But if that's you, and you want a free peek at someones package... keep it out of the workplace and into the clubs or bars you frequent.

I am saying there is something wrong with being a bathroom weirdo, or being a selfish jerk. Don't do it... and I think I have established your guidelines.